Unearthing Monsters and Angels

11 10 2009

I am moving again. I’ve lived in more ‘homes’ than your fingers and toes, and add a few more. They say moving is high up on the stress scale. I second that statement with an enthusiastic OI!!

restless
dispossessed
unsure

I’m not sure if i should ramble on about the path that I’ve been on while packing to move, but just let me say it has been full of detours, potholes, and roadkill. Maybe just to give you the old cliche ‘life is a rollercoaster’, and i’m really wanting to get off this one. At the time of writing, i am yet to get a ‘yes’ on the applications i keep rolling into the real estate agents for a rental house/unit. I have three weeks to go until my vacate date. I have to leave here in three weeks! My body and mind are in a perpetual knot and the black dog is a’howling at the Spring moon.

I’ve carted a lot of STUFF around with me over my many moves, and lately I have been confronted with, what started out as a niggling feeling, that blew out to full blown MUST DO, to shed, shed, shed.

To unburden my mind, body and soul of all the things that have been weighing me down and hanging around just doing nothing, just being there, taking up space, being unproductive, not looked at, not used or played with, or enjoyed, or displayed, just sitting in boxes, many groaning boxes of packed STUFF. Much of this STUFF has been untouched for many years. It was time, and I was scared.

I make a decision, it’s time to scale down, I had decided that this stuff in boxes was ridiculously ridiculous. I wanted to light a fire and burn the lot! But i knew there were treasures in those groaning boxes, some that I needed to take into my future, some that i needed to make peace with, some that i wanted to re-live, others, not so much. So I have been embarking on the unenviable job of sorting through STUFF. Some boxes I discovered were packed hurriedly from my last move. I call them the hybrids. These hybrids took the most time to go through. Many of these spun me into utter confusion.

The roller coaster ride that unearthing these treasures would bring was inevitable, emotions and tears were expected, but never in my life did I realise the drain this would have upon my soul. Sometimes i was thrown into complete despair, other times flamed my heart so much I could have warmed several cities.

Many times I had to STOP! to shed a tear, to remember to eat, to take a walk, walk away from the little sorted piles. I would find myself staring at words that were written, find myself in a trance, taken back in time, only to snap out of it with tears running down my cheeks, sometimes with a huge grin. I knew every time I opened another box, there could be either MONSTERS or ANGELS in there.

It feels good to face the Monsters. Some of them, I had to sit down with and have a good talking to, some sent me reeling, tumbling down into rabbit holes I wasn’t sure how to get back out of again.

I have discovered parts of myself, and my daughters that I never knew existed. I found notes of ‘i love you to the moon’ and ‘KEEP OUT’ and ‘spy logs’ (lol), also many many drawings, some with heartfelt and passionate little notes or stories, and many funny things that children say. The remnants of my broken marriage lay where they were once thrown too, little pieces of it spread throughout the stuff. It was time to say hello to grief, and get on with the healing, flow with the pain, ride it out, and try to salvage and cherish the windows of happy times.

I couldn’t possibly list all the things I’ve been looking at and reading, and it’s hard to re-live it again. I am fresh from tasting a bittersweet past.

The Salvation Army Op shop know me by name now, i’ve dropped off a stack of boxes and bags of clothes, toys, books and many other items I can live without. Letting go.

I feel lighter already, and I haven’t finished yet. I am still scaling down, I am simplifying my life and it feels really good!

~Lily

Update: A real estate agent called and offered me a very small unit nearby, note ‘very small’, this means i have to pare down even more *gulp*. I do have a garage at the new unit, so i will be storing my ‘must haves’ in there. Sorry Car! My energy levels are low, but i’m excited. As my mama always says, one day at a time.

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2 responses

27 03 2010
Coyopa

Beautiful. I can relate to most of this – I’m also packing up, thinning down, sorting through the joys and sorrows of objects left from a finished marriage too. And determined to keep to my decision that all my possessions now have to fit in the boot of the car that will collect me on Thursday (April 1st) to move me along the path, 8 hours, to Wales. I’ve ‘cheated’ a little – I’m sending some things to my mother, things that I can’t carry with my like dead weight, but are part of the archive that my children or second neices or future historians of my sister’s artwork might be interested in. Might be. Some things it’s just wrong to burn. But very few đŸ™‚ Bonfire tomorrow – the pile is growing by the hour. And I find that this time, I’m packing mostly with joy: there’s little conflict in me about thinning down. I know I’m setting off on a voyage, not rebuilding a home. That helps… The sword is sharp and swings here and here and here… Good luck with your own!

29 03 2010
Lily

Hi Tom, thank you for the sharing, & for visiting this house. Your bonfire sounds as cathartic as my nature strip pile of hard rubbish, and like your pile, it grew and grew and in it’s place, space! I imagine you as you watch the flames, a purging of the soul, a letting go of weight, things we thought we needed, now meaning nothing. Though some things tear a little at the heart to watch them go, but in the core of me, i knew they had to. It was time, you know? Some things, just had to stay [i could never]. I am now in a much smaller unit, still i have a few boxes that i must go through. I have come to realise this new space is not where i will settle, it’s a stepping stone to wherever this may be. Both frustrating and exciting, knowing that here is just for a time that i must bide (as patiently as i can) and that up ahead there is a little space, set aside, just for me. All the very best for the remaining packing, and for your travels. Petals for your farewell, walk on into the unchartered spaces my friend.

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