I kind of forgot I had a blog. So here I am updating so you don’t all think I’ve DIED or something. It would be impossible to fill you in on everything that’s happened since I told Chantel to ‘Stare at It’ (my last post). So here’s a few villages I’ve passed through in 2012.
The village of summer, sickness & sadness. The heatwaves this summer, or more so the humidity that accompanied the breaking of said heatwave, sent me to hospital with severe asthma. At the time, distressing and HORRIBLE. But I was able to finally give up smoking purely because I had to. Plus I met a lady in hospital with end stage emphysema, that helped. A lot! I had already cut right down and was working on a better diet and adding meditation & mindfulness to my life, which has been and still is great! — but I was fooling myself and making excuses for myself for needing cigarettes to handle stress. It’s a big lie, and I’m onto it. 7 weeks smoke free, and i’m breathing easier, much easier.
The next was the village of madness, mania & maladies. A family member has been struggling with panic attacks, bad ones, go to hospital ones. I used to suffer from these life-wreckers when my kids were very young. It’s been a long time, and I’d even forgotten what happened to me when I, after a few long years, finally took control and ‘got it’ that I was ok, that my feelings were tricking me, that I didn’t have to hook into my thoughts, that panic didn’t have to be an everyday part of life, that I had CHOICES. I discovered that at the bottom of them was a traumatised me needing to heal. I wish wish wish I could pass on this experience to my beloved. But nothing I say helps. It is a deeply sad thing to feel helpless, to not be able to help the ones you love. I will continue to try. In the meantime, there will be lots of hugs, lavender oil, vitamins & diet, & my hand in theirs letting them know I’m always there. It’s not enough, but it’s all I have.
Next we come to the village of houses, dust & hysterical packers. I’m dwelling in this village right now, and IT’S CRAZY HERE! Here’s the story. Two days after I came home from hospital, I was told BY TEXT, that the unit I’m renting, will be going on the market for sale. By text? Can you believe that? I mean, I know we are living in a technological age, but really, how RUDE! Anyway, this could turn into a very long story, so here’s my attempt at the short version.
My brother has been staying with me, he’s driving Limos in the metro area and it’s conventient for him to stay in the suburbs rather than go back to the caravan that he’s been living in for 10 YEARS.
We decided to trial living together for a while, it would help us both out. Besides, rental houses are very expensive now, and I would be pushing to get another rental at the rate I was paying. Also the competition is fierce. A customer and friend at work was leaving her rental home, I went and looked at it, my brother and I applied, and we got it on the strength of 1) my friends good word that she put in for us and; 2) not many people turned up. Unusual, as the previous 5 or so inspections I’d been to, people were lining up.
So here I am packing up my tiny little unit with a week to go til move date. I’ve been very sick over the last month with a virus. I’m only just starting to feel somewhat ok, so i’ve finally started stuffing stuff into stuff! (hence the hysterical packer). We’ve been given permission to take stuff over there before the move date, but only to be put in the garage. Still this helps us heaps, and it means that on moving day, it will be just the lug of hauling the bigger furniture pieces. Did I mention the new house is much bigger than here, has 3 bedrooms, two living rooms, a proper dining area and a purple BATH! I adore baths! I am SO excited for my brother who gets to kiss caravan life goodbye. He has a FOUR CAR GARAGE and a twinkle in his eye.
So anyway, that’s been my year so far, along with trying to hold down my job through all this, and having a meltdown or two while GIVING UP SMOKING. Sorry to shout, but it still astounds me that I’m doing it! I’m still very much struggling with my health and every day is a battle to keep moving and work on strengthening my poor immune system. Daily suffering is a given. But I’m a battle-weary warrior and that’s what we do, we grit our teeth and keep moving forward to the next village. Keep. Moving. There’s times we need to be still too, but not when the flames are licking at your legs.
So maybe I’m coming out the other side of this dark prickly place that has bruised me so much, maybe even stronger than before. I still hold love in my hands. I still see beauty in the world. I still hope for better days. Maybe the next village will have me ALL-CAPPING throughout frantic storytelling. Or maybe I will just make bread and soup and sleep the winter away.
See you up the road a bit.